3 Bangin’ Coleslaws – You Suck at Cooking (episode 84)

It's been called soggy straw It's been called shredded particleboard with sauce

It's been called nasty wet cabbage spaghetti that nobody wants And the people who call it these things have themselves been called severely misguided, unevolved, and not my friends ♪ YOU SUCK AT COOKING, YEAH YOU TOTALLY SUCK ♪ But don't look down on people who feel this way Many people have had BCE resulting in RCT, and this is one of the main culprits It looks like it's been through a wood chipper

and it tastes like being punched in the mouth with a fistful of peppercorns wrapped in sandpaper Its as if somebody set out to make a dish that embodied the word "abrasive", and they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams Here's another culprit: Overly dressed, overly creamy, overly sweet and overly warm And sometimes made with something that may or may not rhyme with spherical blip It's a miracle that anyone could actually swallow this stuff

It's because of these horrible creations that I have to call regular coleslaw "bangin' ", just to counteract years of overwhelming negativity But there's another reason some people don't like coleslaw and it's actually physiological The taste receptors on the tongue of a coleslaw hater are often attached to a person who is not living their best life In other words, coleslaw love is self love Come to coleslaw with an open mind, an open heart, and an open mouth

It's important to remember that cabbage is not lettuce Cabbage is a cruciferous vegetable, while lettuce is 95 percent air Unlike other kcruciferous vegetables such as kale, (smash) YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL! cabbage doesn't need to be humbled, since many people already look down on it You want to lift up its spirits a bit before you eat it (sensually) Don't you worry, I love you very very much

Lettuce is weak and flimsy, whereas cabbage is strong and hearty (cabbage slaps) You can't make a handbag with lettuce, or a pair of waterproof shoes to wear in the shower at the gym, or a pair of really cool leather pants (motorbike engine noises) Cabbage also has great acoustics, (slaps cabbage) while lettuce sounds super boring (slaps lettuce) That right there is the sound of the heartiness you deserve What I'm getting at here is, cabbage is strong and this is why we chop it

Also because cutting lettuce-shaped leaves out of cabbage is time-consuming and stupid For Bangin' Coleslaw number one, I'm making a simple creamy coleslaw For this coleslaw I'm gonna use green cabbage, also known as sickly-pale-almost-white cabbage, also known as literally a bowling ball (crash) And Napa cabbage, also known as Chinese Cabbage, also known as basically lettuce, which I'll pair with the Napa wine But since grape juice is for children, I'm actually drinking Agave juice, which is for grown-ups

(slurps) Another way that coleslaw is bangin' is you sometimes have to bang the cabbage to get the knife through (whispers) If you don't know what you're doing like me I'm gonna make a perfectly symmetrical cut here and then thinly slice it i'm not shredding it, because that's how you get wet, cabbagey, slop See exhibit number one

I'm gonna use around seven cups total between the two cabbagi Half cup mayo, tablespoon of lime, a f*ck ton of pepper pepper pepper and a pinch of salt I'm gonna wangjangle that dressing together, then we'll pour that on to the cabbage This coleslaw can be served at a range of temperatures, between cold and definitely not warm in the slightest For Bangin' Coleslaw number two, take a grotesquely large carrot

Size shame it "You're disgusting!" Shave off all the healthy minerals, then reduce it from a big strong carrot into soft little carrot fluff Take two cups of that, a couple cups of the green cabbage, and a couple of cups of the purple stuff (in trippy voice) Whoa, that's amazing It's like we're in an airplane, flying over a topographical map and understanding life, man

(sped-up chopping sounds) (thows cabbage into a bowl) Third cup of olive oil, third cup of cider vinegar, third cup of Dijon or whole grain Dijon, pinch of salt, and a bunch of pepper pepper pepper Add more or less cabbage according to how saucy you want it, and always add salt to taste Do my eyes deceive me, or is this an edible, three-dimensional Jackson Pollock I see before me? For Bangin' Coleslaw number three, we have a mayo free, creamy slaw, that's all about the sweet tart intersection Half cup of Greek Yogurt, one tablespoon of lime, one teaspoon of honey and a pinch of salt We're gonna take around six cups of assorted cabbage

(sped-up chopping sounds) Slice a green apple so that it looks like cabbage so that no one takes a selfish scoop with extra apple We'll take precisely one third cup of dried cranberries, chop them up Don't forget to test out that apple dipping sauce Mmm! Now it doesn't look like this dressing is gonna go the distance This is where your fortitude comes in, to recognize that your dressing isn't gonna go the distance so you're gonna need to double it up

Now feel free to add more lime and salt to taste The final aspect to making a bangin' coleslaw is to bang on the side of your slaw vessel to acoustically tenderize the cabbage Non-acoustically tenderized cabbage just tastes boring and rhythm-less So make sure you don't skip this step (to music and beat) ♪ If you don't like coleslaw

♪ ♪ then I feel bad for you ♪ ♪ I hope one day you figure it out, ♪ ♪ 'cause it means that you've got issues! ♪ (fork falls onto counter) Mmm Mmm! This video is sponsored by Hello Fresh, who wants to help you totally smash your 2019 delicious home-cooked meal goals, like a cabbage bowling ball with nothing to lose (loud crash) Pre measured ingredients and easy-to-follow six-step recipe cards get delivered right to your door every week You can pick from classic veggie, or family, and switch it up whenever you feel like it Every time I get a box, I learn new stuff, like these calzon-aes, also known as calzones

I've never made them before, so I love having a reason to try new stuff HelloFresh is now from $699 per serving, and it's America's number-one meal kit, which, last I checked, is an alright number So if you want to take advantage of the 2019 special offer, get a total of $80 off with eight free meals in your first month by going to HelloFreshcom and entering ysac80

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