Beet Dip – You Suck at Cooking (episode 39)

[intro music] Beets are the rocks of the vegetable world and just like rocks, they grow underground and also, just like rocks, if you apply enough heat, they become soft and edible Now, you wanna wash the beets with around 25% tenderness, 35% love, and 40% care and 0% I don't give a care

Cooking beets takes forever If you don't have forever, probably don't make beets Um, I'm gonna cook them a couple different ways Um, oh, that's already too small Salt

I read that adding some vinegar and lemon keeps them from bleeding I don't know what that means, and I don't know if it's true I probably should have cut those much smaller [rapid chopping] You're gonna put them on some foil, and you wanna completely seal them, so that way they don't lose moisture Onion's ["oven's"] on 400

That's gonna take around an hour Gauging the ripeness of the beet is really, really tricky, but if you've got a hard, smooth wood surface, you can take the beet and give it a good roll, [bowling sounds] and if you get a strike- Ohhh, this one's still standing here, but probably ripe enough Now if you're power stroking, you have a decent approach, a good axis tilt and get, say, a fast eight or a baby split, you're probably good to go But if you threw a boomer with a late break point, hit the Jersey side and end up by the Greek church, depending on the radius of gyration, you're probably gonna wanna give those beets a couple more days [straining] Don't hide

If you don't wanna spend the money on a food processor, what you can do is: go buy one, make your beet dip, return the food processor and just say: "I'm sorry, I just can't use a food processor that's all covered in beets like this one, and what kind of operation are you running here anyway?" If you don't even wanna go buy a food processor, and you happen to get one of the early Armatron-5000 prototypes What you can do is repurpose that, and with just a couple hacks, and [ineffectual scraping] [scraping continues] the mechanics of a food processor are exactly the same, only this one works quite a bit more quickly, and, uh, processes more evenly I call it the Food Processotron 27 But it doesn't come with the gloves, or the belt, or the knives, or the tape, or the coat-hanger

If the fork goes in relatively easily, they're, they're good I made the mistake of not cutting off the stems first or the roots or whatever you call it The whole thing's a root, right? I don't even know what its called but no regrets You can kinda just scrape and pinch and peel them off

I'm sure there's a technique for this, but the main difference I'm seeing here between the boiled and baked beets is that you should really buy the pre-cooked ones 'cause this is a huge waste of time and just a big goddamn mess I don't recommend it [blankly] Ow K, quick taste test here we got a boiled beet and a baked beet Boiled

Whoa: [mockingly] tastes like garbage You can see the color, it's just leeched right out of it Bake your beets, if you wanna maintain the flavor I kinda poured all the flavor down the drain Food processors work best if you cut your vegetables into the right size and shape and for beets, that means cutting them into a 1 inch cube, a hexagonal prism, a moon-shaped pool, a pentabeet, or a beetbox

["beatbox"] Some of these aren't the right size, so let's hope it doesn't jam Yogurt or sour cream, lemon, clove of garlic, salt, horseradish [whirring] That takes a long time compared to the Food Processotron 27 but, y'know, sometimes it's good to be patient Damn, that is good

You know what, I made this before without the horseradish I feel like that's what it was missing It's, uh, more horseradical Another way to go is: beets, bunch of lemon, more lemon, tahini, salt, pepper, pepper, pepper, garlic, and chickpeas [whirring] [more whirring] This is more of a hummus with beets, than it is a beet dip, but who's keeping track? [knocking on door] Hello? [scary voice] What do you think you're doing? Aww, shit

[song with guitar] ♪ Beet dip, it's not meat dip ♪ ♪ But if I make it with a cow ♪ ♪ then I'd probably call it meat dip ♪ ♪ Crush it with my toes ♪ ♪ then it'd be a feet dip ♪ ♪ Throw it at the sun ♪ ♪ then you've got good heat dip ♪ ♪ Beet dip, it's not wheat dip ♪ ♪ Thank God it's gluten-free ♪ ♪ or it wouldn't be hip dip ♪ ♪ Put it in the dryer for some microfit dips ♪ ♪ Spread it on your cat and you've got good 'nip dip ♪ ♪ Leave it in the sun and soon you'll have concrete dip ♪ ♪ Staple on some wings: parakeet dip ♪ ♪ Spread it on a sheet, then you got good greet dip ♪ ♪ Stick a white flag in it when you've got defeat dip ♪ ♪ Beet dip ♪ ♪ It's not treat dip ♪ ♪ unless I give it out for Halloween ♪ ♪ and I'd ruin some kid's night ♪ ♪ Spread it on my blanket then I'd call it bleat dip♪ ♪ Pull it over your eyes and you've got deceit dip ♪ ♪ Put it in the onion ["oven'] and you get reheat dip ♪ ♪ Take out a spoonful and it's incomplete dip ♪ ♪ If it tells you lies then you've got mistreat dip ♪ ♪ Crack in one large ego and you've got conceit dip ♪ ♪ Beet dip, don't over eat dip ♪ ♪ Finish up the bowl and you've got obsolete dip ♪ ♪ Put that dip in charge then you've got elite dip ♪ ♪ Spread it on your mattress for an extra sheet dip ♪ ♪ Put it on your feet for a real good cleat dip ♪ ♪ Put it on your chair and have a seat dip ♪ ♪ Cook 'em up a Snapchat for a real discreet dip ♪ ♪ Lookin' good, yeah, beet's on fleek dip ♪ ♪ Dip, you're a sweet dip ♪ ♪ Oh beet dip ♪ ♪ Yeah, beet dip ♪ ♪ You're a neat dip ♪ ♪ Oh beet dip, ye-ahhh ♪ ♪ [whispering] Beeeet dip ♪♪

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