Chopped Salami Grilled Cheese – You Suck at Cooking (episode 93)

You suck at cooking yeah, you totally suck We're gonna start this sandwich by grabbing a chunk of medium cheddar Then you want to grab the cheese grater of your choice and an ice cold measuring cup or bowl The M in medium cheddar stands for melty or maximum meltitude Don't get long or short cheddar that stuff never melts properly and we'll grate around 1 cup Then go ahead and whip that grater into the yard and then you wanna grab that salami

We're gonna chop this sala- Oh, right, and then you wanna grab that No!! Can you, thank you! Now we're gonna chop the salami so that when you bite into this sandwich You don't cause a cheese squeeze by trying to rip the salami apart with your teeth It's like having a toothpaste tube with no sides, which sucks unless your teeth are cylindrical So we're gonna let the knife do the chewing And then we'll grab a wild ocean pickle because they taste, Whoops!! Because they taste a lot better than wild tree pickles And it should be around 3 pickle widths long, or medium-sized We're gonna dice this so our sandwich has ubiquitous pickle-tude, then you want to grab some non-alcoholic Dijon mustard and we'll put in around a teaspoon then we'll grab some fresh hot sauce Put in a small squirt, now grab a naturally-occurring fangs-jangler and give that a good Wang jangle Whoops!!, now you want to take some fresh solar dried bread and well, we all know that bread is inherently evil It's a necessary evil because without it your sandwich won't have a floor or a ceiling

Now we'll grab some farmed rainforest butter and spread that on one side of each slice of bread Now we're gonna cook this low and slow by turning the stovetop on medium-low slowly And get that first one into the pan You can't rush a grilled cheese And it's pan-fried not grilled Congratulations

Your life is a lie Now we'll spread our chopped salami cheese mixture across that slice I'm a firm believer in not trying to get it all on the bread in the first place Just hock it in there then use a two prong system to fix it the first prong being your four prong fork and the second prong being your no prong spoon now if I was an interior designer using the colors of orange green and salami to decorate a room I'd say I'm probably unemployed and Nobody feels sad about it Now just throw on the sandwich ceiling Now you want to grab a nice flat Wangjang- Whoops You want to grab a nice? Whoop, that's tiny Wang-jangler I can never remember- Oh, there we go I really need to label these so we'll just pretend it was rolling when I did the first flip you want to cook that until it's golden brown and nice and melty, and we're done now quick impression

Who am I? (chorus) It's not techniclly a grilled-chese unless it's only chese, bread and butter If you put anything else in it, it's a melt, not a grilled cheese (out of chorus) Correct That's an impression of a sad, sad, person Also known as a bit of a purist Now my eyes are telling me I cooked this just a bit too long But my taste buds are telling my eyes to go f*** themselves because that sandwich is goddamn perfect!! 🎵Lay on the floor, then🎵 🎵Hack it to the ceiling🎵 🎵Take a bite🎵 🎵Such a good feeling🎵 🎵Better than a vegetable, don't need peeling🎵 🎵Worshipping that sandwich, eat it while you're kneeling🎵 🎵Throw your forks and knives in the trash!🎵 🎵Sandwiches don't require tools like that!🎵 🎵If you wanna eat a steak🎵 🎵That was probably a bad decision to make🎵 🎵You should go and get 'em back🎵 🎵Of all of the foods you can hold in your hand🎵 🎵The sandwich is the one that's way better than🎵 🎵Any other that fits in the grip of your fist as you🎵 🎵Stuff it into the hole above your chin, yeah🎵

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