Modified Mac and Cheese – You Suck at Cooking (episode 53)

When you're in college getting a balanced meal is tough But with modified macaroni it's easy

You only need two things: macaroni and cheese, and a bunch of other stuff When you cook the noodles be sure to pour them over some limes to infuse them with vitamin C to help prevent scurvy Now run to the store and buy an iPad so you can time the pasta to cook it to perfection Or craft up a little sun dial Then yeah, just wait for the shadow to get to 7 or 8 minutes

Or spin a top with just the right amount of torque So that it will fall over right when your pasta is done That's pepper pepper pepperoni and cheese From there, if you just add in a touch of hot sauce you get spicy/not spicy, just a little bit enticaroni and cheese This pairs really nicely with warm morning after keg beer

Take some fresh basil, put some tomato sauce in the bottom and bathe your macaroni and cheese inside of that sprinkle your fresh basil over top of that That's basiloni and tease Basically a modern Italian masterpiece This pairs really nicely with Vodka and Gatorade

Let's take a little bit of macaroni add in a bit of pesto It's called Pestoloni, Yes Please You can take some broccoli, chop that up Steam that for a few minutes to get broccoloni and cheese This pairs incredibly well with being a staunch vegetarian for three weeks until you drunkenly order a drive-thru chicken sandwich Another one you can do is take some Indian curry paste and chickpeas This is super authentic Indian macaroni and peas

This pairs wonderfully with regretting not taking a gap year If you take some macaroni, put in a dash of whole grain mustard and ham this is basically ham and cheese sandwich with macaroni instead of bread Also known as the ham sandamoni and cheesewich or hamaroni and chustard This pairs nicely with bragging about how much you drank last night For this one you take macaroni and some kind of tequila drink, it's called the Spring Break

(Uptempo music with a strong beat) (Music transitions into a softer ballad) (Transitions back to the heavy beat) Okay, let's go Shallot, chop, chop, chop Roasted red pepper, chop, chop, chop Olive oil, you're not special Be careful not to move your spatula too fast because the extra friction might burn it

Do you think it's a coincidence that the word sauté rhymes with all day? I do Mix that in Tha's shallomoni and peppreese We're gonna be honest here *audible eating sounds* (surprised) Honestly it's so good

Let's go find out what Katie thinks just to make sure Katie? Scale of 1-10, just tell me Katie: Mmm I'll take that as a ten, thank you If you don't feel like cleaning this up just give one bite of what you're making to your roommate and then they're obligated to clean it up for you

Then we'll take some garlic, just drop it, and it will chop itself Magic! Take up a sundried tomatoes and Mag! Get, you know, at least three quarters of a sizzle, for shizzle, happening

Basically get 23 metric fucktons of spinach in there What am I, David Copperfield? Remember how big that was? And we're not going to be afraid to overwhelm that macaroni Rules are for suckers! You know, I never thought I'd be the kind of person that would be happy about a food color combo I always thought that was shallow, but

Look at that, that's stomach art! I'm pretty sure this is really good when nothing is burnt *eating sounds* I encourage you to try this This one is obviously called the: This pairs nicely with your mom

Finally, heat up a pan with a little bit of oil, but maybe you don't need 'cuz we're gonna cook steak! And it's got oil in it, so, I don't know Check the time *laughs* Oh, ho ho! Obviously we're doing something right Tell me you don't feel lucky when you see that even if you don't believe in anything Take your *laughs* macaroni-caked implement, and flip your bloody steak Beautifully– Ow! Fuck

Beautifully cooked steak And then, place one noodle on top And that's called the, Do You Even Liftaroni and Beef? This pairs nicely with a straight shot of protein powder, no liquid And finally, for this last one you take some macaroni and put on some macaroni That's known as Macception

(Deep resonant music) Oh no, it was a dream the whole time (Music, singing) Sitting in a box in the cupboard like a dry bag of rocks Just waiting one day to be hydrated a little bag of powder, when you shake it nothing's sadder I can't wait to slam my face inside that macaroni chowder! I try to eat healthy all the time, okay, I don't really Try and think about a salad, quickly change my mind Grab the pot and adding water and I watch you getting softer Get the cheese into the steam and then it's getting hot and creamy! I'm home! I'm instantly home, I could get on the train but I know a better way! I don't need a ticket just some water from the spigot And then I cook those noodles hot inside a pot and then I'm instantly home! Macaroni, crackaroni, don't believe in frackaroni Catch you in the back of a hatchback two-handed jackaroni Don't be five and traparoni say and you prefer balogona Can't talk macaroni you'll get smackaroni'd, homie, I'm home *Small yips from the dog* (Sound of dry macaroni being poured)

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