Panic Fried Black Beans and Rice – You Suck at Cooking (episode 107)

We're gonna start by hunting down some wild long grain white rice Ooh perfect

Now we'll just crack this open and pour in one cup Then we'll add in one and a half cups of tame water And a teaspoon of feral salt *grrr* Careful We'll put that on the stove on high bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt And wait until the water starts to panic then turn it down to low until it calms tf down Then throw on the pan ceiling for around 20 minutes

If you don't like canned rice, you can go hunting inside the crusty old crack of a lag and pull out a rice nugget Then break that down into rice-icles And if you don't like any form of wild rice, you can always use trained rice This rice has been trained to play dead But if you don't have any of the long grain white rice I called for when I wrote this recipe, Just use whatever you have Now we're going to dice a small red onion and a jalapeno Or any color onion and any color jalapeno

Then add three tablespoons of olive oil to a pan on medium heat, And once that starts to shimmer Like a sexy robot, we'll add in the onion and jalapeno And wangjangle that until the onion starts to brown Maybe around seven minutes If you can't get a jalapeno, a really bad substitute would be a pickle Or green Jell-o cut into the shape of a pickle If you don't have one, don't worry It will still taste good, probably I'm pretty sure, I mean I know for sure Now it's time to collect some wild river beans

Mmmmmm, perfect Now we'll roll out the black beans, also known as masculine blueberries, And put them in the pan The way you can tell if your black beans are ripe is if You have black beans, then they're ripe Now we'll scrape the bark off a cumin tree and add in 15 tablespoons

Then we'll scrape a chili vine and add in a teaspoon And a half teaspoon of salt or more to taste This is a spice combination I've been fairly obsessed with over the past couple years, You can go with just cumin or some cumin and curry Or whatever spice combination satiates your taste-ation During this safe-stacation While you fight stagnation while eating Crustaceans I assume? I don't really know, I don't know what you like Now we'll wangjangle that together until it's so dry you almost panic But instead add half a cup of water to the pan until it's so soupy you almost panic, But then also don't panic and just cook it off for a couple minutes Badjabbers! These beans are coming along nicely 20 minutes have passed, so we'll remove the rice ceiling And fluff that with a fork One cool fact about rice is that it's a good thing to eat So now we'll spoon some of that rice onto a plate and cover it with the beans Then you can eat it with a spoon, or a fork, or a spork Or a spork, or a spork, or a maximum efficiency fork Or a stick, or a two sticks Whatever tickles your fancy, unless You don't have any tickling reflex

You suck at cooking yeah you totally suck

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