Zucchini Noodles – You Suck at Cooking (episode 42)

First thing you do whenever you cook with zucchini is milk it; you don't want to leave all that excess moisture inside the zucchini, otherwise, whatever you're cooking could turn out soggy [singing] Definition of a noodle is "a strip, ring, or tube of pasta or a similar dough, typically made with egg and usually eaten with a sauce or in a soup

" [crumples paper] So we'll just take that and throw it into the recycling You'll need a few pieces of equipment to make zucchini noodles: a julienne peeler, a zucchini Slide the julienne peeler [peeling noise] across Boom

Noodles You may have seen my make a cucumber guitar before, but don't [untuned guitar strumming] bother making a zucchini guitar because [discordant zucchini guitar tuning] they never stay in-tune [untuned guitar strumming] And they don't even have a good tone [discordant strumming continues] This is really the easy part, the hard part is actually hunting the zucchini Ow [bleep]

[frustrated sighs] 'Kay, this is the hard part These masters of disguise only come out at night and are nearly impossible to see, but during mating season, with thermal imaging, their bodies heat up just enough that you can– [squeaking zucchini mating noises] – Oh, look at that There we go Alright, luckily, when they're mating they're pretty much oblivious to anything [braying sound] Oh, there she goes

You're gonna make the dressing You're gonna want avocado, basil, a lemon, just a little bit of garlic, half a clove Some salt, [grinding] and pepper, pepper, pepper and I'm just gonna put a touch of a sweet thing You wanna get that into your food processor of choice; I'm using the Food Process-a-tron 27

[clumsy scraping] Just gonna get this going, and you wanna mix it until it's nice and creamy, and- Oh, shit, I ran out of film [camera lens noise] Okay, there we go So that's looking pretty good [whispering] Oh, this stuff is so good The key is lots of basil You're gonna throw some of this in here, just wang-jangle this together That doesn't work very well Oh, there we go Yeah, just wang-jangle it with a fork instead of a wang-jangler To serve it, you're gonna take a potato, just gonna carve a quick human head Once you've got your head looking as realistic as possible, simply drape it over the head

You don't want to get too meticulous, perhaps a little wind-swept Just sorta "Trump" it on there in random, unpredictable pile of confusion

This is just the traditional method, [guitar music begins] but, in my opinion, it's, uh, also the most delicious [guitar abruptly stops] Aww, damn it [rock music] ♪ Cooked zucchini is gross ♪ ♪ It's the vegetable I hate the m-o-ost ♪ ♪ Except for eggplant ♪ ♪ [bleep] eggplant ♪ ♪ It always ends up as soggy ♪ ♪ Yes, you think that you could do better than that ♪ ♪ If you make it soggy, then you can [bleep] off ♪ [alarmingly discordant guitar solo plays] ♪ I'm not sorry that I'm telling the truth about zucchini ♪ ♪ 'Cause the best way for you to cook zucchini ♪ ♪ is with a barrel gallon of kerossini (kerosene) ♪ ♪ then light that shit up! ♪♪

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